Conciousness and the punishment of being human

2026-07-05

Ever since I was a kid, the war stories shared by my Grandmother always terrified me. Her telling me and my brother about how how they hid in forrests for years, how their mom held her in hands for days on end as they stood in a swamp - evading one of the fighting armies burning down the forests, how sudden the little normality she knew at that age had vanished. Those stories made me feel terrified. The thought that life as you know it can be taken away from you on a whim of someone who's sitting safely in a government office somewhere was so absurd at the time, that I couldn't process it into anger yet.

And yeah - most likely those stories fucked me up at the time, the only thing blocking the traumatic realisation of how broken and unjust the world is, was something I was telling myself over and over again, something that only now I realize is a lie. I kept telling myself that we as people are past this, that we saw what kind of destruction war can bring and we all decided it was wrong. Well color me fucking surprised when I grew up and started realizing what the news around me were about, that there are wars all over the globe at all times. I think that might have been one of the first times I had an existential panic attack. That shit absoluetly terrified me - the sudden realization that the world around me was filled not with smart, kind and caring human beings that I have come to know by the time I was 8, but rather with creatures that were easy to manipulate, that had hate at the core of their being, that would give and follow commands to take life, pillage and destroy innocent life. I kept that view of the world in the back of my mind since then. It made me pessimistic, sceptical, afraid of the world... and got worse as I got older.

Now I'm 28. The last few years I have been on a sort of spiritual journey that has been taking place almost fully in my head. I don't like organized religion, goverments, teams or groups of people that are dressed in anything uniform. Why? Well I have come to believe that being part of a group is what kills your conciousness - both the understanding of self, and the feeling of guilt. I'm nowhere close good enough of a writer to express my inner throughts on this, but over and over I have seen those feeling be re-confirmed. Every time I saw a group of kids get together to go and start a fight, every time a political party has started lying, slandering and missinforming others, every damn time I saw a group of idiots band together online to defend mass killings, rapes and torture - the thought that the shared "need" to defend some kind of ideals makes people evil.

The most frustrating thing is that no matter how I look at it - those "ideals" are simply never actually real to me. The lines on a map might be drawn with the blood of young men and women, but they aren't there, the piece of cloth waving over a goverment building is just a drawing, the commands of your "respected leader" have never been more than rambling of a mentally ill psychopath that decided to get into the business of bossing others around. Looking at uniformed soldiers I always just saw people that have given up their agency in this world the be trained like dogs, to become cuckolds in regard to their own agency and conciousness.

And I know all the arguments and rage that comes at beliefs like that: "we need a big bomb, because the other guys have a big bomb", "we need to remember our history as a people", "we need a system that works even if it requires sacrifice of life, so others can live and keep serving some old dudes with a big number in their bank account". To all those I can only say: "ther is now "we""...

I like to believe that human conciousness is a permanend thing in this universe - a part of some unknknown universal stream, a way for the universe to experiance itself, by placing a part of it into some meat puppets. But even with that... the minds we experiance it all through are here just this one time. We'll leave our memories behind sooner or later. Maybe... I mean what the fuck do I know really.

The overwhelming futility of learning something new. AKA pushing 30

2026-04-25

I think it's a feeling that most people have when learning something new. Aspecially something that takes thousands of hours to master. The feeling that this is futile and some days or even weeks you're barely moving forward, that persuing this interest is absolutely futile. Well I definetely always had that feeling and found it hard to push throught it at times - aspecially with a lot of other things happening in my life. This feeling is drenched in a weird and slimy tinge of inadequacy - a tinge that makes it really easy to swipe the whole interest under a rugh and just ignore it.

Well now that I'm 28 this feeling is more prevelant than ever. I often almost feel it mixing with some sort of a "midlife crisis soup". Picking up Reaper and trying to learn music theory, composition, what the heck is an oscilator and how synths work feels like I'm trying to rush through knowledge that I wanted to pick up years ago, but just didn't.

Ofcorse it's difficult in itself - learning something new when there are a thousand things to take care of every week in my personal life and work. But I think it's important for me to buckle up and push through this. Because no matter how hard it is - the feeling I get at the end of the day when I figured what a knob in a synth plugin does - still leaves me with a great feeling of satisfaction. Think it's important to focus on things like that.

First post! Yippie!

2026-03-31

Well here we go! Finally got to making a second page... Which is kind of dumb because I'll tire myself out making sure that the side bars are the same on each page, but that's part of the fun I guess.
Anyway gotta get back to work now. Working from home and workign on the website today whenever I feel like procrastinating.(Don't tell my boss)

Also a reminder to myself: MAKE THE DAMN LINKS TO THE PAGE WORK YOU SILLY GOOSE